Welcome to the serialized story of Mr. Harmless Bullet! A new chapter will be published every Wednesday (FREE to read). For audio - scroll down.
Genre: satire, absurdist comedy, adult humor (16+)
Written with the Tristan Tzara method - read about it here
Table of contents:
Angela Marrant
CHAPTER 3. THE BEACH
I couldn't even imagine how the events of the last two days would drive me into a corner: first - there were bright, iridescent encounters full of animal libido; later - there was a strong desire to return to the past...
I opened my eyes because I felt the chill emanating from a dark silhouette shielding me from the intense rays of the scorching sun. That ‘chill’ turned out to be a delicious young woman in a red bikini. I sat up, hiding my excitement by pulling a second towel over my wet swimming trunks.
“Hello, stranger! Remember me?”
“How could I forget? Sobekneferu of my heart,” I whispered.
“Whatcha reading?”
“Science magazine!” I nervously scrolled a few pages, hoping to impress.
“I know a very cozy reading area, not so far from here. In a cave… ”
“Gonna be dark there,” I said, crushing the magazine with my fingers, still not believing my luck.
The woman lifted her hands to the sun, dancing in one spot, then slowly jumped and untied the upper part of her red bikini with a few imperceptible movements. My eyes rolled out of their sockets; the lust for “what could have happened but did not happen on the bridge last Saturday” pushed all reasonable thoughts to the far corner of my head.
I growled.
“With this…” the woman made a twisting motion with her hips, forcing all glorious body parts to play in the wind, with her breasts bouncing up and down like a boat in a storm. “It won’t be dark, silly.”
Without question, I followed the lady of my dreams, forgetting my clothes, a tote bag, the Science magazine, and of course, my brains all in the sand.
On the way to a cave, her Apple Watch rang. After a short conversation, she grabbed my hand tighter and dragged me in the opposite direction.
We arrived near the gates of the biggest house on the beach. The master of the house was the famous Flamingo Vegas, who owned The Bunny Palace Hotel and the casino in the Sin City center.
“Paaapiiii, I am here!” Sobekneferu-girl shouted to the odd man with short gray hair.
“Go dress up, we have very important guests this afternoon,” he answered.
After she left, I decided to apologize.
“Your daughter didn’t tell me…”
“What? No, no… Magdalena is my future wife. And who are you? How do you know her?” Mr. Vegas interrupted me, studying my pale body.
“I don’t know her --,” I replied the moment she walked in.
“-- It’s my brother, Hammer,” she announced simultaneously.
“Your brother? He just said he doesn’t know you. Am I right?” Mr. Vegas stared at me.
My shoulders started to tremble, and my head bowed.
“Of course, you are right.” I tried to calm him down. “What I meant is I know her. She is my lost sister from my mother’s side, but I’d rather I didn’t know her, or I should say that I was on the way to unknowing her when I met her at the beach today.”
“How can you unknow something you already know? Is it contagious?” The old man looked puzzled.
“Aww, don’t you see, Papi? My brother is a Vodou man, a true philosopher.”
“A philosopher? What a joke… Mmmm, you look so ambrosial, my innocent doll.” Mr. Vegas wrapped his pudgy hand around the young beauty and held her close.
Magdalena smiled. I also noticed that she switched her bikini to a more eccentric outfit: a transparent top paired with tight leather shorts.
I felt like a fish washed ashore when I saw two large, colorful birds. They were sitting quietly on the sofa.
“My pride and joy! Meet my two best guards: Zen and Dea.” The owner of the house noticed a shift in my interest.
“Lovely names,” I said.
“Yeah. Zen is always silent, like he knows something I don’t,” Mr. Vegas made a cautious pause. “Dea is short for Death because she doesn’t think much, truly a bloody animal.”
“What kind of birds are they?” I changed the subject.
“Dodo birds. From Mauritius.”
“They don’t look like the dodo.”
“Have you been to Mauritius, young man?” asked the furious man with gray hair. “I have two houses there, and every creepy muthafucka on that island knows who Mister Flamingo Vegas is.”
“I have no doubt, but I think these birds are Rhinoceros hornbills; they are easily recognized by the horn on top of their beaks.”
“You know what? I like free thinkers. I can allow that in my house because you’re family, but that’s where your free-thinking ends—with my dodo birds and Mauritius. Okay, okay, come here, boy; I’ll show you my collection of racing worms.”
After the tour, I was left in the living room, surrounded by exotic hungry birds, poisonous insects, odd moths, spiders, and giant snails. Each of them observed me while I was trying to clean my swimming trunks from the sand.
“What the hell? Are you stalking me? Why are you naked in my living room, Mister Harmless?” hissed a familiar female voice behind me.
I silently cursed my director, the beach, and the attempt to get with someone who was not Margaret’s photo, my ex-wife, or my pillow. I turned and opened my mouth to explain, facing the infinity sign of the fifth Mrs. Vegas. Her body was like a stretched violin string, too close to mine.
“Shut up and grab me. Quickly!” she ordered.
For a moment, we were in another land, far beyond our imagination, but the heavy footsteps of Mr. Vegas shattered the purity of that moment. Embarrassed, the woman ran upstairs, exposing to the world a solid desire craving for action—my average Mr. Eighth Wonder.
As it turned out, Lady Delight (soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Vegas) was a gentle soul full of frantic tricks in the field of tantric love. The sound of the waves that day was our music, and the French art décor in her bedroom served us as the perfect tool for wild acrobatics games.
After 4 a.m., when all the guests had left, and the groans of the magical Magdalena Sobekneferu had vanished into the salty air, I left the bedroom of the sleepy Mrs. Vegas.
I crept down the stairs and quickly walked into the hallway. Something crunched under my foot, but I was too drained to pay attention.
The first day of vacation and the world is already mine!
I was proud of myself.
“Hey, sweet brother! Do you still want to read for me?” Magdalena’s melodious voice floated right behind my back.
I was too exhausted to keep up with the carousel of sexual feasts, so I took a deep breath and ran as fast as I could…
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