Welcome to the serialized story of Mr. Harmless Bullet! A new chapter will be published every Wednesday (FREE to read). For audio - scroll down.
Genre: satire, absurdist comedy, adult humor (16+)
Written with the Tristan Tzara method - read about it here
Complete story, chapter by chapter:
Angela Marrant
CHAPTER 7. A NEVER-ENDING RACE
My soul soared like a heartless falcon over a wild rabbit, circling lower and lower to the ground toward the food of its dreams. I looked down. A monstrous horn grew larger in every possible dimension, sticking to Miss Amblycorypha Oblongifolia’s legs eighty-one times, clockwise. After that strength-consuming procedure, she asked me to repeat the same process. I did as I was told because I preferred to maintain the circuits of sensual suffering until the other half was fully satisfied (just as great Kings would do).
It seemed the process had achieved the desired effect—patience and perseverance helped me fly high again. The last triumphant strokes brought my mind back to reality.
Miss Amblycorypha Oblongifolia pushed my exhausted body into the back seat of the car. She started to drive, searching for a path out of the forest. I sat wild-eyed, surrounded by thoughts of horror: What if she stopped and asked for more? But the trip to my apartment passed without any incidents.
I opened the door, inviting my princess to a calm paradise. A dark curtain seemed to rise before me, and after a second, I could see Arcadio’s mysterious biceps working in a transfixed, almost primitive manner, threatening to shatter my peace with his intense passion.
My old bed hung on four strong posts with black silk ropes, giving the impression of a small boat. The feeling of emotional terror occupied my being. I clutched Miss Amblycorypha Oblongifolia’s hand, which shook from the pleasant view of Martha’s barely covered breasts, the amorous fragrance of lovemaking, and the resourceful positioning of pillows and little bells that clinked each time the bed was in action.
“You are quite a craftsman,” Miss Amblycorypha Oblongifolia noticed.
“Ah, just plugging the Lotus of Phoenix upside down,” casually answered Arcadio.
“For God’s sake, Martha! What’s going on here? And where are my things?” I said, feeling lost.
By things, I meant the bag full of cash. I was so paralyzed that I couldn't continue… I couldn’t talk, shout, frown, or leave. As soon as I saw Mr. Hardstone in my room, I was like, "Fuck no, I'm never going to see that money again!"
“Things? I invested it, Bullet. In the Phoenix project,” my ex-wife replied.
“Awww, I met a Phoenix once. He’d tease my lotus for hours,” Miss Amblycorypha Oblongifolia sighed.
“Follow me… I’m prepared to climb that mountain of pleasure as long as you need,” answered Arcadio, showing the shortest way to his bedboat.
“Stop, stop! STOP it! I bloody knew it would be like this!” I wept, but Miss Amblycorypha Oblongifolia was already on the top of the gondola.
To maintain my royal dignity, I attempted to follow her and jumped on it but failed. When I looked up, I heard voices that, after a minute or two, dissolved into the rumbling sound of serious sexual games.
I sat at the table near the window when my gaze flicked to the doorway. There, in the shadows, possessed by primitive animal instincts, stood Armadillo Jack, waiting patiently for his boss.
“Hey, you… Don’t tell anyone else, especially my future servants. Ever,” I whispered to him.
Soon, the monotonous frequencies faded away. Without a hint of shame, Arcadio Hardstone appeared behind me with a strange smile and said, as he got dressed, “Don’t let them suspect that you are after their money or position. Act casually, but make sure your sexual techniques catch their eye. That will pique their interest.”
I was too tired to think, so I turned around and, without a second thought, punched him in the chest. He didn’t notice.
“I didn’t know your name was Bullet,” Arcadio laughed.
“Mister Bullet Harmless. And proud of it! The future king of Gunung Kinabalu.”
At that moment, Miss Amblycorypha Oblongifolia touched my shoulder, saying, “Honey, I invited Arcadio to our Kingdom, too. He’s going to live in the gold house, specially built for those who are so gifted in the art of the bedchamber.”
“Haha, the unnamed eighty-eight positions are the answer,” Arcadio winked at me.
“I’ve never been outside Rsa,” Martha sighed above.
I could hear the jealousy in her voice.
“I’ll take you too if you make a donation to the Hamilton family,” the princess of Gunung Kinabalu promised.
I lowered my head and said nothing. I sat there and dreamed about the future with my new Sobekneferu. She was flawless: her crown-like upper body promised success and power.
We were ready to depart when she pointed to the armadillo and said, “What about this cute little animal?”
“My princess must not worry. Madame Jack will stay here under the supervision of Martha’s mother, right?” I proudly glanced at my stoned ex-wife and the curious Mr. Hardstone with the eye of the Big Master.
It felt strange, but Arcadio’s presence had a bizarre narcotic effect on Martha—she stood in the middle of the room, half-dressed, in a bewildered daze, with an anxious smile on her face.
“Okay.” Miss Amblycorypha Oblongifolia said. She grabbed my hand, and we left the room.
I couldn’t recall my time on the plane. Perhaps we were too tired or asleep. I thought I’d wake up refreshed on the morning of our arrival, but that wasn’t the case. Instead, I found myself chained to an ancient hollow oak tree, which reminded me of a fortress-like room—home to all sorts of fungi, bugs, and insects.
I was undressed, and my shapeless body was covered in nasty red bruises. I was thankful, though, that my boxers were still on. To my left, I noticed my ex-wife’s fleshy hands. There was no sign of Arcadio around us.
Miss Amblycorypha Oblongifolia stood in front of me, with three unknown men covered in bronze—powerful muscles rolling beneath the skin that gleamed like polished silver. They looked violent in contrast with my Sobekneferu.
“Where’s King Hamilton? What’s going on, darling?” I blinked.
Her expression hardened as she replied, “I am King Hamilton. Let me clarify your duties in my kingdom, Mister Harrrrmless.”
to be continued…
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